I’m not done with you yet. I know you’re not done with me. And that is okay. I know, like many women, you wear many hats and you never know which one I need. I know you’re trying to find the right pattern of stages—the right order to get me through all these changes. But I can’t help feeling like someone is preparing us for something bigger. As if last week was just a practice round. Practice for whom? For what? The whom is scarrier to process. Whaterver the What, the Why, o the Who, it’s like waiting for a hovering anvil to land on your row boat. You pump your oars to get from up under it, but it follows you like a depressed rain cloud waiting for you to tired out so, when the waters are calm and still and you are spent, it can come crashing down. So you ask yourself, “Why work so hard to runaway?” I wish I knew how to toss in the oars and just be in the moment. Fuck that anvil.4/12/20
Learning that the stages of grief are not linear and can be cyclical was a revelation. Understanding that I could experience multiple stages of grief at once, repeat some stages before succumbing to others, and repeating the cycle entirely lifted a weight off my shoulders. Knowing that the “stages” were more like spokes on a wheel—with one’s self at the center. Grief can manifest due to loss of life or loss of normalcy. While the grief I alluded to above was loss of life, I did later expeiece grief due to loss of normalcy. (More on that later.) This revelation has allowed me to accept that my grieving process is my own and has help me understand when others are grieving in their own way. How you grieve is personal. Your support team matters. If you don’t have the support you need, I implore your to reach out to a/your medical provider or insurance carrier to ask for resources. Once such resource is TalkSpace.com. (Not an affiliate. I just love the platform.) There are 1-800 numbers you can call but I won’t list any here as I don’t have personal experience. I can only speak to the amazing therapist I found at TalkSpace. I believe that if you have the funds or the insurance to utiize the platform or ones like it, it is definitely worth the investment into your mental wellness.
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Thank you for taking this journey with me.