Dear Depression

What do you look like? Are you a day full of joy followed by a day of emptiness? Are you this on-the-verge-of-tears feeling that can’t even be sated by a cathartic cry? Are you my guilt when I don’t plan my day or complete my tasks? I was so low today. I don’t know what got me there. Was it the sudden change in weather? The way it dropped back down to the 50s wasn’t so depressing, but the lack of sunlight was. Or. not as cheerful at least. Maybe I just miss people. I just want to scream and cry and throw things. I want more earth-shattering orgasms, more joy-filled days, less moodiness, fewer mood swings, less emotional eating, and more positivity. I felt so drained today before I even did anything. All day. I couldn’t write. Ladybug and TheKid were on my last nerve by just being kids. I couldn’t even cheer myself up with work or TV. Maybe I’ll re-read an old novel. That might do it.

4/8/20

I’m grateful to be writing this from a place of mental clarity. I’ve just had a rough week with work where my skills were insulted and my integrity as a businesswoman was challenged. Facing both with grace and dignity and advocating for myself, I know that I’ve come a long way in just 10 short months. That person from April 2020 would not have been able to do so. I’m not saying that people suffering from depression can’t live normal lives. I’m reflecting on where I was at the time. I was defeated and thought that living with depression meant I couldn’t function as an adult. I’ve learned since then that living with depression was something I had not tried to do yet. I am learning to live my life in spite of my depression. I am learning to live my life with my depression. I am learning to live my life as I learn more about my depression. I am growing to diminish my depression. I am putting tools in place to make sure that I do. Between therapy, journaling, exercise, and nutrition, I have learned a lot about myself, my health, and my limits. It will be a long road but I know I’m worth the journey.

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Thank you for continuing this journey with me.